INVENTING THE PURPLE TIER: A NEW SCREENPLAY
Where do you think this phantasm of Purple Tier came from? Who dreamed it up? Here’s how it happened:
Act 1 Scene 1 The governor’s office
Time: 6 weeks ago
INT. Large conference room, state capitol building Sacramento. Morning.
Six people sitting around large table, some conversing softly among themselves
THE WHEEL (O.S.)
Where the hell is my mocha latte? You! Wake up!
PREHOMINID 1 (Rushing forward from the side counter)
Sorry Boss. Coming right up, Boss!
THE WHEEL (O.S.) (under his breath)
Idiots. Surrounded by idiots. (Then full voice, loud) OK Ritardessa, so where are we?
RITARDESSA (An impeccably dressed 40s female, just a whiff of trailer park about her, sitting at the front of the conference table, answers without looking up from her laptop)
Just a sec Honey, I’m just about to … there! That’s it ! Super duper! Level 300! Finally! I never thought….
THE WHEEL
Listen up! We’re working now, OK? So where did we leave off yesterday? Jesus, this coffee sucks!
PREHOMINID 1
Yeah I know Boss. I think the Starbucks guy dropped his mask into it ….
THE WHEEL
I don’t care…
PREHOMINID 1
I think it was yesterday’s mask …
THE WHEEL (shouting a little)
I don’t care! Can someone for the love of God please tell us where we left off …?
CRETIN 1
I got it Boss. Yesterday right after the midgets brought in the sushi and did their thing, remember? — and we had to wrap it up because it was almost 2…
THE WHEEL
Oh yeah. Tell those guys not to quit their day job…
PREHOMINID 2
That was their day job…
THE WHEEL (exasperated )
Hey, can we do this or what? Yes, and then …..
CRETIN 1 (continues)
Right. OK. so, not to put too fine a point on it, but I think after almost a year of lockdown, etc. they are getting kinda restless as far as the future goes ….
THE WHEEL
They? You mean the … (pause)
CRETIN 1
Right , yes …..
THE WHEEL
The people of California ….
CRETIN 1
Exactly.
THE WHEEL
Bunch of morons. OK, so what about them?
LEMUR
If I may, Boss ….
THE WHEEL
Bring it. Whatever …
LEMUR
Well, even the ordinary comatose people are starting to doubt the unchanging media clips about infection, viruses, COVID, masks, etc. I mean, a few months of that was easy, but we’re going into a year now and the idea of an endless epidemic is getting harder and harder to sell. Especially without any visible sick people.
PREHOMINID 2
Yeah what’s that thing about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results…?
THE WHEEL
Well if they’re unhappy nobody knows about it. I mean there’s no science but our science, right? Zuckerberg and Marissa made sure of that – they really locked it up tight, after Shiff’s threat. He’s got them reading Goebbels and Bernays now, for Christ’s sake.. Spineless slugs. Zuckerberg, well you know those people. And Marissa’s been doing much better now after her operation….
RITARDESSA
The sex change thing? Never quite bought her as a double X, you know? …. All that Tourettes’ and stuff…
PREHOMINID 2
No, not her — that was the other one…
LEMUR
I know, whatever. Anyway, We’re solid with our masks and lockdown rationales, lame as they are. And it’s all believers, with nobody trying to overthink it. They’re locked in – hook, line and sinker on all that. And they’re still lining up for those fake tests. But we have to be careful here, Boss. . This is a critical juncture – right now.
THE WHEEL
What do you mean?
LEMUR
Well, as you know, the only thing that saved us from this pandemic being exposed as 100% invention is that it has the identical symptoms as the regular annual flu. So next month we’re about to come into the new flu season. And we should anticipate some difficulty in co-opting the new flu season as part of the old COVID disease. I mean even the dumbest might realize that nothing remotely close to this has ever happened in history— I mean think about it –a disease threat that keeps going on and on – without people building immunity to it, without the disease itself mutating at all for an entire year. … I mean you don’t have to be a PhD to know that that just doesn’t happen.
THE WHEEL
Hmm. Yeah, no Uh- huh. Ritardessa, did those Cinnabuns get here yet? I’m famished. And tell the kitchen I’m completely out of Cheez Whiz, wouldja?. Yeah good.
RITARDESSA
` Roger dodger, Hon. On it. Oh, Mario called and wants to know if you’re still on for the switchees thing tonight. He was very insistent – I don’t know what’s wrong with him…. What? Del Taco? Again? You got it Boss.
THE WHEEL
Ok, well I really don’t see any big problem here, Lemur. We’ve broken their will this year. As if they ever had one, dumb bunnies. Not one in 1000 has an IQ above room temperature. It’s all those video games, and that music… I really do not see any huge uprising and marching in the streets protesting our instructions for COVID, do you?
CRETIN 1
Uh Boss, can I ask a question?
THE WHEEL
Apparently so.
CRETIN 1
Well it has to do with these imaginary yellow and orange and red tiers that we made up last year.
THE WHEEL
Yeah – what about ‘em?
CRETIN 1
Well, I was thinking…
THE WHEEL
I don’t like it already. Hey, wait a minute. There’s something here I just can’t figure out. Mystified me for the longest time.
CRETIN 1
What’s that, Boss?
THE WHEEL
How do they do this?
CRETIN 1
Do what?
How in the world do they get the cream cheese inside these bear claws?
CRETIN 1
In the bear claws, huh? Don’t really know. Yeah, so Anyway ready for the question? Ok, here’s my question: what about the boy who cried wolf?
(silence — Everybody looks at CRETIN1)
You know … Aesop…. ? Nobody …? Never mind. Well, we’ve already called Red Tier twice so far
PREHOMINID 1
Three times actually.
CRETIN 1
Three times. Point is – if Red Tier is our very worst emergency and we already called it 3x without any real tangible disasters taking place, it’s already lost its punch, don’t you think? No more shock value, no more fight or flight, no more sphincter power …
THE WHEEL
Wait wait, hold your horses – let’s not get carried away here. You’re giving people too much credit aren’t you?— like they’re actually keeping track of things as the months float by . …or doing any outside reading beyond what those retards on CNN tell them… I mean just go into any suburban neighborhood anywhere some evening and take a stroll down the sidewalk. And you’ll see tons of people walking around BY THEMSELVES obediently wearing their facemasks. Acting like that’s not absolutely idiotic and braindead.. It mass psychosis, like out of Stephen King or something… But this is real life. And they weren’t even doing this at all for the first 3 months. So that means that they must now believe that this nonexistent disease has gotten worse all by itself! – And this evil virus that might kill them is really floating around in the air, down their street, across the entire state…. But only in some counties and not others?? I mean think about it – we created a whole epidemic that is 100% fake – we made it up out of thin air! It violates every single principle of legitimate science. And common sense! And most people really truly believe in it — stronger than any religion on earth! Even college graduates.
CRETIN 1
I know, amazing isn’t it, but …
THE WHEEL
No wait. Listen up. Just look what we’ve taken away from them this year. They can’t travel, they can’t go to restaurants, they can’t go to the movies. Most of them can’t go to work to feed their families. Their kids can’t go to parks, or malls, or school for that matter. Or even go over to their friends houses! Hell, we’ve turned all kids into online zombies, getting dumber every week with the fake school and all. And the parents – no more concerts, sports events, nightclubs, malls, vacations – I mean, they can’t even meet somebody in a bar -even if bars were open – and have an affair – everybody’s so germaphobic! It’s awesome — They are unimaginably dumb. We proved it. And now you actually think they’re gonna have a problem with too many Red tiers??? Sack up, Cretin!
CRETIN 1
Well, it’s not, I mean think about it ….
LEMUR
No wait. I see his point. I see his point.
THE WHEEL
You mean the one at the top of his head?
LEMUR
No, Boss. He’s right.
THE WHEEL
(With his mouth full of Cinnabun) Okay … (gestures to Lemur to continue)
(Enter PERV, STAGE RIGHT )
PERV
Boss. Candy Man (gesturing offstage)
(Everybody picks up the buzz, subdued voices “Candy Man! Candy Man!”)
THE WHEEL
Oh great – just what we need. Jesus it’s not even noon yet. OK, what the hell. We’re not getting anywhere with this anyway. OK Bring him in, bring him in …
(Enter Candy Man stage left. An enormously obese black man with a large duffel bag slung across his shoulder struts confidently towards the conference table, big smiles on his face for everyone, gestures of salutation and friendliness… )
CANDY MAN
Brothers and sisters…
(Everyone stands up and gathers round, now in high spirits. The new character’s appearance has a catalyzing effect on the entire room. The business meeting is now a party)
THE WHEEL
Welcome my friend, as always. Just don’t try to unload that same excrescence you brought last time. I had to take 3 Zoloft just to get my pants back on.
CANDY MAN
Not to worry, not to worry. (laughing) There’s not a care in the world, my friends. Your troubles are about to vanish, like you never had them in the first place. Let me be your solace and your comfort, and bring you only sweetest delights.
RITARDESSA
(ingratiatingly sidling up)
Let’s see what you brought us, you big devil. Any more of that blue Molly?
PREHOMINID 1
Bring any of those opiated cannabinols?
THE WHEEL (O.S.)
All I want to know is did you find any more of those old Oxy’s?
CANDY MAN
(laughing) Patience my children, patience. All will be revealed. All will be healed. Plenty for everyone!
(C.M. unslings the duffel bag and ceremoniously dumps its contents out onto the conference table, to everyone’s delight. A large assortment of small packages and ziplocks of all sizes, tumbles out on the table. Pills of all colors and descriptions, herbal samples from far and wide, powders, granulated crystallines both blue and clear, small vials with liquids clear and tinted, small icebongs and hookahs, much more – it’s a travelling road show of altered consciousness.)
(General room buzz becomes more animated as everyone gathers round. Gradual fade to black)
Act 1 Scene 2
INT. Same room. Next day. Morning
Same characters as yesterday, different clothes now. Sitting around conference table that is loaded with piles of doughnuts and pastries. Quiet conversations, laptops, etc. Yesterday THE WHEEL was offscreen. Today he is sitting at the head of the conference table. His face bears some resemblance to a cross between Patton Oswalt and a baboon. Camera pans in obliquely from above)
THE WHEEL (Cellphone in hand, covering mouthpiece with other hand)
OK people. Wake up.
(Opens a prescription bottle – dumps a couple pills in his hand – chases them down with water.)
(Into phone)
No. yeah. Not now – no, tell her we’ll be in Vegas tonight and to bring you-know-who.–. Yeah. Just tell her, she’ll know. Yeah, I’ll bring that too. Right. Bye.
OK, everybody. Let’s do this. Anybody know where we left off yesterday?
LEMUR
Well, umm… I think …
RITARDESSA
I love this job
PREHOMINID 1
It was kind of a blur …
THE WHEEL
No I mean before Candy Man got here
LEMUR
Something about tiers …
CRETIN 1
Oh, that.. Yeah
THE WHEEL
Glad you’re all so focused. State employees – attention span of a hummingbird on a double expresso. Anybody…? Any lucid comments …?
CRETIN 1
Yes, Boss – I got it. We were talking about the pivotal juncture we’re at right now with the new flu season about to begin soon, and whatnot. And how the general attention about the seriousness of the virus seems to be waning. Plus people are becoming disenchanted with a general lockdown that was supposed to last 2 weeks that’s now looking at a year… So I really don’t think they’ll buy this extension. I don’t think engineering another Red Tier right now is going to have much effect.
THE WHEEL
Right, yes. I remember. Uh, What do you mean much effect? Much effect on what?
LEMUR
Well, Boss. We have to consider our agenda here. Our goals.
THE WHEEL
Good point. What were those again? Just remind me ….
LEMUR
Well, You know. The same Big Three. Dominance. Fear. and Alienation. We’ve certainly accomplished those beyond our wildest imagination. We should get the Nobel Prize. So, for right now, at this point, our primary objective must be simply to perpetuate these three, for as long as we possibly can.
THE WHEEL
Uh, Why?
CRETIN 1
Because The longer we can sell this fake epidemic, the longer people will accept that we really do dominate them, and the greater our power becomes. I mean think about it Boss. We never in our lives even dreamed that something like this could happen – that people would be so suggestible, so trusting of politicians and bureaucrats like us – guys with absolutely no science background whatsoever – driven only by our own self-interest- that the public would trust us to decide how long an unknown, unproven, nonexistent viral threat could persist in our state. And That they would believe us! How uneducated and uninformed people really are – all the simplest things they don’t even know – but more importantly – the things they’re too lazy to take the trouble to learn about! We never imagined this gold mine of subservience that lay there at our feet, all this time…
THE WHEEL
Yes, of course. I see that. And I understand the importance of keeping our own power as paramount, above all other concerns. But you know, I have to say, with all this windfall of blessings being showered upon us, there’s still one thing that worries me.
CRETIN 1
What’s that Boss?
THE WHEEL
It’s the money.
LEMUR
The money? What money?
THE WHEEL
Exactly. What money. I mean how many millions are we keeping out of work with our little pageant? And look at all the hungry mouths to feed that we’ve created with all our promises – all those – you know – – entitled? To each according to his needs – Something like that. We were the 20th largest economy in the world, and we’re only a state. And we trashed the whole thing. with a threat that is 100% fake! But now there’s a limit to what we can bleed out of Washington. And what we can squeeze out of the few people here who still work. Why work if the gravy train is running, right? But How long can we keep all these spinning plates in the air ?
RITARDESSA
Jesus, Boss you sound like Ross Perot .
CRETIN 1
Yeah, Seriously Boss – this is not the time to be worried about something as abstract as fiscal responsibility.. We have to look to our position. The power vane has magically swung in our direction this year, like never in history – we have to strike while the iron’s hot. The money will take care of itself. There’s always plenty more.
THE WHEEL
Yeah you’re probably right. I was just thinking that was something they probably said back in 1929.
PREHOMINID 1
What was 1929 again?
RITARDESSA
Wasn’t that the Titanic?
LEMUR
You know, Boss. I was just wondering ..
THE WHEEL
What?
.
LEMUR
Wow That’s awesome.
THE WHEEL
OK so anyways, we’re getting off track …. let’s get back to talking about the dangerous crossroads you think we’re at now and that our power is threatened somehow, and all that..?
LEMUR
Yes, that’s just it. I think we have to invent some new watermark – some new threat level that we’ll say is even higher than the Red Tier. In order to rekindle the Big Three, and ensure that our power position lasts through the winter.
THE WHEEL
Ok, but how would we do that? You mean create a new crisis… ? What science would we base it on?
RITARDESSA
Come on, Gavin! What science have we based the whole thing on from the beginning? There is no science. We made the whole thing up! Remember? Even I know that.
CRETIN 1
She’s right Boss. This will be easy peasy chicken squeezy. Because remember — we control the numbers – completely. We can make a crisis happen any time we want. Just like we did right before 4th of July weekend, when faith was waning, and things were starting to return to normal. So We made up that fake story about “spikes” all at once in 37 states. Remember? And all the hoopleheads bought it and scurried back into total lockdown. Nationwide. And then we did the same thing again right before the election, only now we said it was 44 states….? And nobody squawked. It’ll be embarrassingly easy – it’s just a matter of test number manipulation, and censorship of any objections. People are so spineless these days, there are very few objections.
THE WHEEL
Wow. You really think so huh? You really think they’ll buy it?
LEMUR
Oh heavens, Boss. Are you serious? Look what they’ve bought already. We have people believing in a pathogenic virus that has never been isolated in a human. A virus that was never proven to be any more dangerous than the common flu keeping the whole world imprisoned in their own homes. All year. And then we got them to believe that these phony COVID tests can identify this ”killer” virus and that these bogus tests prove that all these millions of people have the same exact disease. Which isn’t even a disease! Because positive tests aren’t even cases! And don’t forget – Less than one percent of positives ever get the slightest bit sick. And the whole world believes all this. A new crisis in California? They’re the dumbest of all! Piece of cake! This is where lockdown started. Santa Clara County.
THE WHEEL
yeah OK I guess you’re right. Sounds like you’ve thought this through pretty thoroughly, like all day or something.
LEMUR
I think it was during one of my blackouts.
THE WHEEL
Probably. OK, let’s say we decide to go through with it. What’s our next step?
CRETIN 1
We’ll need to invent some arbitrary level of infection. With a new name. And a simple explanation, scientific sounding. And then get it on CDC’s site and then get Marissa and Jeff and Mark and all those other morons to reinforce the crap out of it. You know like Goehring said. How to give a complete total illusion solid reality….
LEMUR
Yes, that’s obvious. But we need the hook. A name to hang all the new panic on.
PERV
How about an outbreak of a genital warts complication from COVID infection – spreading like wildfire…
PREHOMINID 1
No we already used that one with the Gardasil vaccine. They might remember. Plus, it’s ridiculous. Coronoviruses don’t cause warts.
PERV
So what if it’s impossible? It worked for Pfizer…
THE WHEEL
Naw, we need something new. What do the rest of you geniuses think?
SIMIAN
I have an idea.
THE WHEEL
Who are you again?
SIMIAN
I’m the new guy from Merck. Actually I was CEO for 2 weeks.
PERV
Oh yeah that was back when you guys got that billion dollar fine for Vioxx, right?
SIMIAN
Well, nobody’s perfect. Long story.
THE WHEEL
Ok, what’s your idea, Merck?
SIMIAN
It’s simple. Since they’ve already bought this Tier Scale, which you guys conjured up out of thin air, with no verifiable credibility whatsoever. – use it again.
LEMUR
We can’t. We topped it out. That would be like going to DEFCON Zero or something.
SIMIAN
Sure you can. The people have proven to you over and over they’ll believe anything, no matter how idiotic. So just say there’s a worse level of infection that has never been reached in history, blah , blah, – worse than Red Tier – and it’s called — I don’t know Blue Tier or…
CRETIN 1
No it can’t be blue. It’s like fire – getting progressively hotter – yellow, orange, and now it’s red.
SIMIAN
Exactly. And blue flame is hotter than a red flame.
CRETIN 1
That’s true but nobody knows that. Except welders. Remember we have a society of people who don’t work. They don’t even know what welding is.
PREHOMINID
OK Then How about Black Tier?
CRETIN 1
Too dark. People will think Black Death. This is a disease where most of the time you don’t even get a cough. And then you know, the brothers might start tearing down statues of Lincoln or something…
THE WHEEL
How about Purple Tier?
PERV
That’s really gay.
THE WHEEL
You should know. OK how about Rainbow Tier? And What’s wrong with gay? We’re supposed to be all postmodern and everything right? Except for those fags on MTV.
PREHOMINID 1
I don’t know, do we really want to risk mixing this new crisis up with the whole screwball sexual fluidity thing?
RITARDESSA
Oh that’s no big deal these days. Old news. My 9 year old daughter just told me she’s undecided between announcing as a Lesbian or a tranny. They talk about this at school, and it’s not even important.
PERV
Of course. Perfectly normal and natural that kids be given all their sexual options before they reach puberty.
THE WHEEL
No question there. Not only is there sound sociology behind educating children about sexual alternatives, but all the LGBTQ groups voted us in, right? So we’re on solid ground there. Which reminds me, are you sure you got through to Mario about tonight.?
RITARDESSA
Yeah, Boss – they all confirmed. Might have to substitute with some of the farm animals. But they said they were sure everyone would be happy with what they’re bringing. Not all farm animals are all that cute, you know. Wasn’t there something about amputees?
THE WHEEL
(Scoffs) Hmmph. Hey, You guys think there would be any value in making people state their sexual orientation on their ballots? Would certainly be easier for the pollsters.
PERV
Might be some problems there Boss. Like the nonbinaries — the ones who refuse to commit. Like that cadaverous looking thing on Billions. I mean if you have a nongender box to check on the ballot, you’re forcing the nonspecifics to be specific just by checking the nonspecific box, right? I mean that’s the working IQ level of these imbeciles. Main thing is, we don’t want to alienate any voters.
THE WHEEL (pensively)
Certainly not.
SIMIAN
(Suddenly jumping up and shouting) Wait, Boss. I got it!
THE WHEEL
Huh?
SIMIAN
We don’t have to invent anything. It’s already there!
THE WHEEL
What is?
SIMIAN
The Purple Tier. It’s already the highest level on the bio-emergency scale. We just never noticed it because we haven’t ever used it.
THE WHEEL
That’s great. The rest of you think it will fly?
CRETIN 1
Of course! It’s perfect, Boss. Can’t believe I forgot about it. Though after that baggie I got from Candy Man yesterday, I’m lucky I remembered how to even get here at all.
THE WHEEL
OK, so then we’re set. Put this is your reports — After all our extensive research from Stanford and due consideration, blah blah woof woof – Purple Tier seems like the only viable course of action now for California, etc. Call the numbers guys and make some big spikes. Maybe we can throw in a curfew or something.
LEMUR
OK, that’s it then. And it’s going to be good because it clicks all our boxes: it extends the epidemic indefinitely, continues the lockdown indefinitely, keeps up the sale of facemasks, promotes that fatal vaccine, feeds the whole new state religion about Germs, and most importantly maintains our position as the ruling Committee.
CRETIN 1
Right. And obviously it would have been nonproductive to have ended the epidemic right before these companies are shipping the first batches of the experimental mRNA vaccines. That would be like showing the shark in the first reel of Jaws. Sales will go through the roof because people will try anything to end the lockdown. Even if it kills them.
THE WHEEL
Hey, that sounds like a bumpersticker. Well, people. Good work. We have certainly outdone ourselves today. The people of California have no idea the agonies that we have to endure. They’ve certainly been well served today.
RITARDESSA (aside)
Good thing the sausage eaters never get a look at the sausage being made, right?
THE WHEEL
Is that it then? Nothing else? Great. It’s almost noon anyway. Appreciate all your input people. We stand adjourned. We are the law!
Hey, any of that blue stuff left?
